I'm not really a fans of reality shows, yet I love watching cooking program on TV... ^_^ So, this afternoon, I randomly watched Master Chef Indonesia 2, and for the first time I saw Juna (the cruelest judge among the 3 judges , the sharp -mouth -Gordon Ramsey- like), could not hold his tear... Wow... Juna cried! That haughty guy, the bad boy who has experienced street life in the States, being kidnapped and tortured, with tattoo all over both hands, with his vicious look and sharp mouth that can not stop berating the contestants, and he was cracked, CRIED on TV, because one of the potential winner he puts lots of hope on, could only answer 8 out of 20 mystery kitchen herbs/ cooking ingredients in the pressure test, resulting the contestant got kicked out of the competition...
I'm actually in the middle of an Inter Organizational Coordination article by Ernest Alexander ... my boss asked me to read it so that I can explain the article to him in my point of view next week... (and I actually hate reading article... except the one from Low and Ridley "Can Selfishness save the Environment"-t; you can read it here: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1993/09/can-selfishness-save-the-environment/305865/ I read the article more than twice, because firstly: I had to make the review for my planning theory class, back then, and secondly because the article was "intriguing" for me) Well, off course I'm not going to write about the articles--for i usually make an escape from my paper assignments when i was student...but I am not anymore... or at this moment...) nor about Juna Rorimpandey here... It's just... somehow I know that if I were Juna at that time, I would cry too.
I cried a lot... yes... I am a mushy, maudlin, girl... T_T. What can i do... apparently, my lachrymal glands are very active... I cried when I am sad, disappointed, frustrated, moved, angry with my self, and i cry when I am happy or amused ...Azizah and Riri (my rommates in Weenapad) were laughing seeing me cried watching "Pretty Woman"... My friend, a shrink, said that I may be looked though outside, but mushy inside... Like those heavy metal rockers singing the sentimental love songs... He said that I am sharp mouthed...but have sentimental heart... :p
Now, what's the relation between Juna's cry, article and my post? Well... this post certainly is an escape from the serious articles...:) While Juna's cry is the trigger of my willingness to write this post...:)
I have to go back to the time when I was still enjoying my previous work as an English instructor for children... or, whoever whose TOEFL score below 500, or feel that their English is no better than mine. (just to explain, why my English is just so so... :P). I like teaching the children most... because they are more pure than adults (obviously...), so that it was easier to teach them something. I usually have several students in the class who are outstanding, or some students I put lots of hope on to... However... whenever they could not answer my questions, or can not reach the certain level I set for them at certain time, I would feel disappointed...and sad... and then i started to question my self... why could not I make them understand the answer? Why I do not have the capability to explain things to them easily? Why I can not push them to reach that level... I would feel disappointed with my self for not being able to help them. I felt that it was my failure...
Once, i got breakdown, cried, for I feel that I had failed to coach my staff. I understand the young staff members may feel that I am very demanding. I coached some staffs for a year or two, and I could see that they became some of the top staffs, ones that many can count on for some tasks. So, when they were not under my supervision again, and they are no longer as responsive as they were, become reluctant, have less initiative... I feel that it was my failure... I think, i and Juna suffered the same thing that we put too much hope to some people, and when they can not fulfill the hope, we feel very disappointed, angry...but don't know to whom we are angry with, except with ourselves for we at the certain point feel really really helpless... I don't know if Juna think it was his mistake...(I certainly think it was not his mistake), but most of the time, i cried because I felt that it was my mistake, and feel so frustrated...
Oh well... I think sometimes it's OK to be ignorant.... I should not get drowned with my disappointment, anger and frustration.... I should move on... The problem is...it happens again and again.... and I don't want to get used to be an ignorant person.... for whatever my quality is, I always believe that I can color my surrounding with my existence...how pale the color is, and how insignificant my role is... even though sometimes I feel like to be an island....nothing can get in, and nothing can get out.... But hey... no man is an island...
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